HERE I AM
The story takes a start with the end of the millennium, the year 2000. It had been a pretty tumultuous past few years for the nation. India was fighting wars with its neighbor (in Kargil), getting nuclear potent (in Pokharan) and getting economically sanctioned, getting their residents hijacked in airplanes and rescuing them back (in Kandhar) and fighting the Y2K bug scare along with the whole world. But that’s not where the story begins, we will need to zoom down a bit on the map of the country to Latitude 23.2599 and Longitude 77.41215 to find out where the action is taking place. Not clear? Doesn’t matter I’ll be more specific and start again.
The story of this book takes shape in the erstwhile state of undivided Madhya Pradesh. Madhya Pradesh, the heart of the country with a beautiful capital city of Bhopal, The City of Lakes (and hence the geographical points). In the year 2000 the state was undergoing a separation into 2 states and Chhattisgarh was born out of it. Not that it was a gruesome nerve-wrecking partition worth making a movie of any kind but the residents of Madhya Pradesh faced substantial challenges in the form of a basic necessity of the modern world-ELECTRIC POWER.
You see, during the partition most power generating plants went away with this new formed state of Chhattisgarh and the people of Madhya Pradesh were conferred with hours and hours of dark nights and dysfunctional electric equipments, chit-chatting aunties with no work to do and what not. And the absence of that basic essential became the founding stone for the friendship of Anuj and Anurag. Now a general wondering may arise from the reader. Who the fuck are Anuj and Anurag and what’s so special about their friendship? Well, for a start Anuj would be me, the author cum narrator of this book. And Anurag, well Anurag is a lot of things in this book. He is a schemer, a jester, a venturer, a prankster, a plunderer and what not. In short he is the soul and inspiration of this book but make no mistake the story is still mine. This story begins even before both of us were oblivious to each other’s existence in this world.
So as I said this story starts at a time when the nation was sailing through rocky waters. Not that it would have made even a flee-size difference to me. My life was sailing damn well. I had the loving support of my parents, had good friends in school and was achieving decent grades as well (79.40 in the last report card to be as precise as the coordinates.)
It was a bright shiny day and I was excited up to the brim. And why wouldn’t I be. It was my first day ever in a tuition class. Being a student of Class XI, I was cautioned by my seniors and my 3 year elder brother. ‘Eleventh standard is always a dicey class. You don’t want to mess up the year before the board exam. With the introduction of Higher Maths, things can go haywire if handled casually. So it is better to be safe than sorry’. Being a firm believer of the mob mentality it was a foregone conclusion that I would pay heed to their advice. Hence the decision to join a nearby local tuition class was taken with outmost sincerity. Also the new teacher-to-be was a distant relative I had met a few years ago (distant enough to get the heebie-jeebies trying to establish the relation). So the transition from a ‘Hello Aunty’ to a ‘Good-evening Mam’ felt comfy to me and I was all geared up to venture into the new arena of professional albeit local studies. The legendary song from Bryan Adams had occupied the bulk of the processing space inside my mind since the morning
‘It’s a new world, it’s a new start
It’s alive with the beating of a young heart’
It’s a new day, it’s a new plan
I’ve been waiting for you
Here I Am
which continued till in the evening when it was time to pack my bag and get going.
“Goodbye Ma, wish me luck for my first day. ‘I sported a beaming smile and waved full throttle. Never did I imagine that luck was an ingredient that I would need in bulk in the future for it was time to get introduced to Anurag. As I reached the place it seemed that I was a bit late to arrive as I could see no movement outside the house.
“O shucks yaar! There goes the first impression” I thought as I hurried inside the premises. When I entered inside everyone had just about settled down on their seats and the newly Aunty turned tutor had just arrived.
“Hello Anuj .Welcome to our Anita’s coaching classes.” Anita aunty said sounding like a local channel advertisement girl.
“Hello aunty errr…mam”. I said jumpily taking off my shoes. I was still feeling guilty about arriving late.
“Let me give you a brief introduction of your new colleagues. This is Shivam, Riddhima, Parag, Ashutosh, Sneha, Saurabh and Anurag is still to arrive. Hey where is he, anybody knows? Not coming this year?” She darted the question with a chalk on her lips.
“Mam I am coming straight from his home and his mother said that he had left for the class an hour ago, seems like he is on a bunk the first day itself.” That was Parag who spoke with a wicked smile and glint in his eyes as if he had cracked the city’s most sought after criminal case.
“What to do with this child? He has such a sharp mind but doesn’t bother about his future. I will talk to his mother someday. Anyways you people take out your Calculus book and turn to page 3.” She said tucking on the glasses. So that was it, my ironic introduction with Anurag where he was conspicuous by his absence the first day itself.
The next day I was the first one to reach the class as if trying to compensate for the late arrival. As I waited for everyone to arrive, an unfamiliar face entered the room. Medium height, prominent nose, dark complexion, big eyes, average build………
“Newcomer?” Even before I could put a halt to the physical features scan he inquired and offered a handshake. It is surprising how a single-worded statement can upset your mood in a matter of seconds. But then how was I a newcomer when yesterday was the first class and the other person did not grace that place.
Technically being the senior I retorted with an air of bossiness. “Well, the batch started like yesterday so everybody is kinda newcomer. Ain’t it?” The lame American showoff accent took effect for a lamer reason.
“Yes that’s true but most students of this batch have been coming to this coaching for the last two years which makes you a newcomer. By the way I am Anurag” he said and extended his already protracted hand.
“Yes I heard about you in yesterday’s class when you were not there.” I said in a revengeful manner and reluctantly offered my hand to complete a hostile handshake.
“Please sit and be comfortable. You are in great hands and now that you have joined this institute everything is going to be fine.” He professed taking off his shoes.
Fine? But what was wrong with me up till now? I thought but before I could convey it to him the lights went off.
“Power cut!” I exclaimed vehemently. “What about the class then?”
“Yeah, keeps happening all the time but don’t worry my friend, Anita Mam has a battery backup inverter. Nobody over here can snatch away your right to study. She has a business to tend to.”
Well that was true, Mam had a power backup because she had to run a coaching institute, otherwise in those days the common man could not indulge in luxuries of that kind. Anurag’s father being a class one officer could shower such facilities upon him. And that is precisely where the seed of friendship was planted between the two of us.
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For a start, both of us would study at his house to complete our assignments or prepare for a test in the coaching class and in return to that I would supply to him the class notes for the days he was on a bunk, which he apparently was very fond of.
“What do you do when you are on a bunk, anything special?” I inquired with keen interest.
“Mmm…Nothing much, just fool-around with school friends at their place.” He retorted unconvincingly.
As long as he electrifies my dark nights, I don’t give a damn. I thought
And that was the kind of give and take relationship we began with. But being a part of a small institute with just 8 students, it was only a matter of time before all of us became good friends to say the least.
Shivam Sharma, Parag Dwivedi, Ashutosh Pathak, Saurabh Upadhyay , Anurag Tiwari and Anuj Pandey. All the half a dozen of us belonged to the same community, the brahman community. One day we decided to name it as the Gang of Brahmans. Some other proposed names for the group were ‘The 6 rocketeers’ on the lines of ‘The 3 Musketeers’ which was voted out with immediate effect. Lame inspiration would be a polite word for the suggestion. Now since we were a handful of us I will give a brief introduction of everyone just in case you jumble them up.
Parag – Height: Medium; Weight: Proper; Looks: Good; Specific Characteristic: Jolly Bubbly and Cool; Nickname : Paro.
Shivam– Height: Short; Weight: Proper; Looks: Medium; Specific Characteristic: Cranky and Churlish and at times even ballistic; Nickname: Shivu
Ashutosh– Height: Tall; Weight: Proper; Looks: Good; Specific Characteristic: Sensible with a balanced frame of mind. Nickname: Ashu
Saurabh– Height: Short; Weight: OK; Looks: Round face with round specs on round eyes; Specific Characteristics: Predominantly Shy. Nickname: Chhotu
Anurag– Height: Average; Built: Lean; Looks: Below Average; Specific Characteristics: That you will come to know. Nickname: Nana
Anuj– Height: Average; Built: Average; Looks: Average; Specific Characteristics: Being Average. Nickname: Sonu
After the class got over the group of Paro, Shivu,Ashu and Chhotu, Nana, Sonu would invariably set camp outside anyone’s house and discuss anything but studies. We would watch movies together, go hiking, eat street food, roam around the streets at night and what not. One day Parag said after the class. “Guys, I have heard about this holly movie. Ma school friends say it’s a must watch. 15 movies you must watch before you die sort-of.”
“Is it in theatres?” Ashutosh queried curiously.
“Na re .It’s an old one. Not like Mugh-Le-Azam old but it’s off theatres. Anyways why do you want to spare your buck on a movie when I have the print and a projector for a home theatre experience?”
“O wow! What else do we need?” said Saurabh full of excitement.
“Well! ‘I’ need a big wall to use the projector on and ‘you’ need to show up at my place tomorrow with your pretty doe shaped eyes for a visual treat” Chirruped Parag stressing on the I’s and the You’s.
“But what is it about, what’s the name?” asked the unimpressed Shivam.
“You think I have watched the movie or what? And what difference does it make when you get free cola and popcorn alongside the movie” he said rolling his eyes in annoyance.
The much-hyped movie to be watched was Shawshank Redemption. It was a story about a prison named Shawshank where the protagonist gets falsely implicated in a murder case for a life sentence but after serving for 19 years in jail he manages to ditch the walls of prison by crawling through a sewer pipeline and escapes to Mexico to live a happy life.
Next day the entire Gang reached bang on the agreed time at Parag’s place. His home had boundary walls so high, it would definitely beat Shawshank prison’s walls by a yard or two. “Hmmm…someone seems filthy rich over here and I thought Anurag was the only golden goose in our group. Afterall who keeps its own personal movie projector” I muttered in an undertone. As we entered inside he ushered us to his room while we tailgated him greeting his parents who flourished a comradely smile.
As we went in, his immaculately arranged room evoked feelings ranging from envy and yearning to miserableness and self-pity. I mean I too have a separate bedroom, but it resembles something like a concoction of an age old museum not given due respect since long and a wannabe hipster cum rock star’s place. Wanting to give all those feelings a ditch I focused on the most comfortably positioned seat and grabbed it with both butt-cheeks.
“Nice place you have man.” Everyone agreed.
As everybody settled down I saw Saurabh scanning the room intensely. You see therein lies the difference between a guy and a girl. A girl in his place would have been scrutinizing the room to appreciate the beauty of the drapes, the cushions, the chandelier or anything else that remotely came under the domain of beautification. But I could bet my life that Saurabh, the dork that he is was, was looking for any hopeful presence of food. To be true, so was I and so was Ashutosh and so was Shivam and so was Anurag. Not our fault though, Parag promised snacks during movie time. That is how guys are. You promise something of our interest and we have a photographic memory. You ask us to do something uninteresting; we develop signs of a short-term-memory-loss. Also the fact that while watching a Hollywood movie comes a raunchy expectation attached to it, something that would give a treat to the eyes. Not our fault again. Our generation was brought up watching movies like Basic Instinct and the likes of Sharon Stone where she would maneuver in a way that would give sleepless nights to even saintly figures.
So that was that – A few ‘Basic Instincts’ of men.
Anyway the movie began and the snacks arrived so everyone was happy. The dim blue lights and the ambience created a soothing aura, ideal to smoke pot some would say. Half an hour later the snacks got depleted and it was time for soft-drinks. Shivam’s patience was getting depleted alongside. For him Hollywood was synonymous with only two people: Jackie Chan and Rambo. Everything beyond that was Hebrew to him. His cranky expressions were getting crankier by the minute, ‘what the hell’ imprinted on his bluish hued dim lighted face. Saurabh on the other hand was ready to take flight into the realms of the dreamy world. His big pretty eyes flickered up and down like the upper dipper light mode of a city bus. Another hour later Shivam had dozed off as well and secretly snoring which was faintly audible above the movie noise. Anurag, Ashutosh and Parag on the other hand were fiercely engaged in the movie, Parag with his mouth slightly open. That is how he even solved math problems in the coaching class when he was too engrossed in it. I was kinda hoping that a housefly entered his mouth and brought him out of his movie-coma. That would be my revenge to bore me on a Sunday. And that is how helpless I was feeling – hoping a fly to do justice for me. Everyone apart from me was in a surreal world, be it the world of dreams or the world of motion pictures.
So basically if I took stock, I had two wickets down, all snack and cola finished and 3 man-units deep into a movie that did not seem to have an end. Another half hour more and my patience was beginning to wear out as well. Trying to generate a conversation out of thin air I said: “So you think this guy will ever get out of this shitty prison or not?” I said while picking my teeth with bare hands while courtesy went for a toss. Anurag stared at me as if I had revealed the climax of the movie.
“What the hell! Is this a Hindi movie or what? Two hours done and still no sign of an end. Holly movies used to be short. What’s wrong with this one?” I blabbered signaling the domestic help to bring more refreshments.
“Sshhh…this is the last leg where the hero does the jail break and takes revenge from the warden of the jail.” By the time both Saurabh and Ashutosh had come out of their respective cat-nap’s and were looking forward to an encore of the eat-session which I did not like at all. Somehow managing to divert their attention towards the jail-break sequence which was actually engaging, I managed a great balance between watching the good end and finishing the remnants of the snack plate without letting anyone else do that. To my relief the movie came to an end and I couldn’t be happier.
“Awesome movie man! What an inspirational portrayal” said Ashutosh as everyone nodded mechanically including the two sleeping beauties.
How in God’s name can a person get inspired by a movie whose main storyline reads – A murder, a life sentence and a prison break- I thought while detaching my comfortably placed butt from the comfy sofa. Anurag seemed particularly impressed by the movie as I could see him deep in thought.
“You wanna come out of the movie boy” jested Parag looking at him. Anyway everyone congratulated him for his hospitality which was teenager jargon for good snacks and zero interruption from the elderly. My frank opinion though: It is very difficult to be entertained by a movie that does not involve any kind of action or sex.
As we moved outside the house into to the garden to leave, Ashutosh came to an abrupt standstill and turned around, “Guys, you know what else we all can do. I came across this new Chinese vendor at the hawker’s street, I was just having a cup of tea at the roadside and saw that everyone was gorging onto something that looked like some kind of a soupy noodle or god knows what. I have this feeling we must give it a try. What say people? It will be great to visit that place, won’t it?”
“Yes sure why not but you know what else will be great? Studying! And it would be even better studying these days because a something called ‘Mid-term’ exam is approaching proximity in my school at least.” That was Shivam showing sarcastic enthusiasm.
“Hey! When ma bro say you gotta go and eat,you gotta go and eat! No messin up with my bro and big daddy! You understan?” Apparently Parag himself was still inside Shawshank Redemption.
“You don’t understand, we shouldn’t take things lightly. It’s a thin ice area that we are treading into. One step too far and ‘blup’ you go deep into freezing water. As it is I do not comprehend any of the Chemistry lessons. I think I am going to flunk this subject this time and mom is going to make mincemeat out of me.” Shivam started shifting gears to melodramatic level.
“Hey hey! No one is flunking any subject and Shivam would you tone down the theatrics please. I think you should be more concerned of your blood pressure rather than anything else. You won’t even get a re-attempt if you flunk in that department.” Anurag brought down the huffing and panting Shivam to the ground. “And even if you are not getting Chemistry all too well” he continued “why is Ashutosh sitting here for with all those awesome grades. He will help you out. We all will help you out. After all what are friends for damn it. Mid-term exams are not all that big a deal and it’s still close to a month before they start. We all care for your scores my dear but a little enjoyment is also necessary. We will definitely go and check out that place and everything will be fine.” He concluded the homily authoritatively.
The truth was, no one cared for Shivam’s grades. The whole focus of the group was on the new ‘in-thing’ that Ashutosh talked about. And since he was responsible for the discovery, he led us to that place the very next day. That was the time when Chinese flavor was slowly spreading its wings in the town of Bhopal (and I am not talking about Maggi please!). Unmindful of the enticements of the Oriental cuisine when we reached the place, it seemed like we had entered a new time and space zone of fun and frolic we had never imagined. The excitement was visible with Parag’s chant.
“Chicks Ahoy! Chicks Galore! Chicks Ahoy! Chicks Galore!”
We weren’t aware that the quality of good looking girls in the city had undergone a sudden upgrade and was on display that night. Saurabh who would melt down at the mere mention of girls like a butter cube on a hot pan was struggling to find his feet in the new arena of Hawker’s street.
“Dude, this place is nothing like I had imagined. How come this place has such a hip hop tempo and we don’t know about it till now? And where is the vendor that you were talking about?” Parag’s dilated eyes were not willing to blink.
“Care for some patience my boy.This is just the start” Ashutosh said as he pointed towards his handcart which read:
“Madhuri Chinese!” I said aloud, “pretty outlandish eh.” I had heard Dragon Chinese, Kung-Fu Chinese even Bruce Lee Chinese but this one seemed a little off-the-wall. To top that there was a cutout of Madhuri Dixit performing one of her dance numbers right next to it.
“I hope he puts more thought while making the dish than he did while naming his cart”. I said with a crooked face.
“Chuck the name dude. We have come here to stimulate our taste buds not our grey cells” said Shivam, his eyes fixed on the chicks moving around rather than on any dish.
“So what’s a hit over here, I mean what are we going to have today.” I said putting my butt on a seat with an unimpressed face.
“Why don’t you go and ask Mr Madhuri himself.” Parag who was getting cozy on a dilapidated seat chuckled
“There is something written on that blackboard with a chalk over there, it says ‘Today’s special, American Chopsuey’. I think that’s precisely what everything else is having and that is exactly what is drawing the crowd. I think we will have it too.” Anurag said.
“American Chop suey!” I hollered. “That’s not even a Chinese dish for crying out loud. Neither by its origins nor by the title name. American Chopsuey consists of macaroni and pieces of beef. This seems a completely fucked up place and a complete fucked up idea to come here”. I said and got up to leave.
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold your horses buddy, cool down your jets.” Anurag literally pounced upon me and made me sit again. “Why are you so getting picky with the technicalities today? What difference does it make whether the name is Madhuri Chinese or fucking Shangri-La? Can you eat it?”
“Well, I can eat the dish though which seems equally fucked up”. Although I was hoping that someone really stopped me, I still answered in a seemingly pissed off tone.
“You may believe me or not but you are putting too much weightage on the nomenclature. You have to try and understand that this is a hawker’s corner Anuj, not a coaching institute. People here are uneducated, but they are good at their craft, which is cooking; not baptism. What if that ‘fucked-up’ Chopsuey has tiny nuggets of heaven and noodles that melt in your mouth? Would you still care for its nationality? Will you still care whether the dish is Chinese or American or god damn Puerto Rican? I think not. So I will say, even if you have failed him on theory, let’s give him a chance for a practical. Can we? Can we?” He repeated. I remained silent.
“Silence means affirmative boy. Silence means affirmative. Bhaiya 5 American Chopsuey please!” He signaled with his palm open and closed half a dozen times.
“Arey! Have you lost count for the six of us? There are still 6 people in our group.” I asked in bewilderment.
“We will share a plate, just in case he scores low in practical too.” Anurag winked.
To be honest that Indianised version of American Chopsuey did have nuggets of heaven and crispy chopsticks that melted in the mouth and I regretted big time that I had to share a plate with Anurag. No surprises that Ashutosh was hailed as the hero of the group and I was booed for my fussy behavior. I took it sportingly though. After all we had uncovered a new range of cuisine that we slowly fell madly in love with.
THE MADHURI EFFECT
After that trip to the hawker’s corner the whole group decided to pay a visit there only after the examinations were over. Both Anurag and I agreed tacitly but the urge to visit again was palpable in our eyes.
“It’s twenty days for the exams to start and 13 more days before they end. I cannot wait that long to visit that place again.” I told Anurag during our joint study session at his place.
“So who is stopping you from doing that?” replied Anurag casually.
“This!” I signaled at the assemblage of books lying on the table.
“Oh come on my friend! Since when did you start worrying about such things? Class Eleven grades do not matter at all. It’s just the board examinations that are of any value. All we need to do is score respectable marks. Scoring anything beyond that is just a waste of time and energy.” Anurag preached. Not knowing his definition of respectable marks, I nodded in agreement. He had this rare ability to pull-off crappy statements without anyone’s objection, the reason for which I was still to figure out. In this case though, my incessant urge to revisit the Chinese stall was probably the dominant cause.
“But apart from that, we need to look into the finance angle as well. I don’t think that my pocket-money will be able to support too many visits to that place.” I added with a glum face.
“You need not worry, I will take care of that.” He consoled.
Whatever he said sounded like music to my ears. ‘Don’t worry about the finances ,I will take care of that’. Rich friend helps out the middle-class pal with non-stop luxuries. Middle class pal repays back by saving rich pals life.’
“I have a plan chalked out for it”. Even before I could complete the bollywood styled ‘Rich guy-Poor guy’ clichéd story narration in my mind, Anurag brought me back into real-time.
“Plan? What plan? And what for?” I replied more in annoyance than curiosity.
“One of our friends’ group in my school, whenever in shortage of funds they used to go to quieter places in the city and target two wheelers parked in secluded areas and remove petrol from their gas tank into empty water bottles” explained Anurag.
“Do what? Remove petrol from other two wheelers? You mean steal?” I was confused between being dazed and being disgusted.
“Yes, remove gas from other vehicles. Exactly!” Anurag said in a hushed tone emphasizing the word ‘remove’ as if they were borrowing the petrol and returning it back with penal interest.
“But why would they want to do such a degrading and risky task and why are you telling it to me?” I queried with a perplexed look.
“Well, as I have already mentioned, to finance their requirements.” He said.
“And you are suggesting we do the same?”
“You want to be a frequent visitor to the ‘hawkers street’?” The tone suggested that it was more of an answer than a question. There are times in lives when you are offered a choice between the right way and the easy way. It is very convenient to point fingers at others when put in the same dilemma and equally tough to follow the path of righteousness. I nodded very slowly as if I wanted to ditch my guilty conscience.
“Nice buddy. Now we can come up a plan for it.” Anurag was excited.
“But is there some kind of a barter system that we pay in petrol-liters to whatever we eat.” I said trying to brush off the shame that had clung onto me like a monkey on the back.
“No”.
“So do you plan to sell that petrol to some local market, because that is a dangerous territory to tread into.”
“No again. Now if you really want to be a part of this just hear me out very carefully.” Anurag held a pen and paper and crouched on the table facing an empty page with a focused head that I had never seen before.
“One plate per person costs 15 bucks. That means 30 bucks per day to serve both of us. One day’s to and fro journey to the ‘hawkers street’ costs 20 bucks.” He wrote down. As he started doing household math, I began to wonder whether higher mathematics was getting too hot for him to handle and maybe he was trying to get back to the basics to get a hold on the subject. But that was Anurag, he never did anything without a substantial reason even if it was to count the value of groceries.
“O Hello! I think we are discussing something here of some importance if you mind.” Anurag disrupted my stargazing with an annoyed tone. “Yes yes I am listening.” I said.
“So that makes it 50 bucks for one visit, ok. Assuming that we want to visit there every alternate day, it amounts to a little over 700 bucks. What’s your monthly pocket money by the way?”
Startled by the sudden inquiry about my financial proceeds, I answered, “Err….Well….Ahem….150 bucks give or take.”
“150 bucks give or take. Hmm…mine is around 350 bucks. That makes it 500 bucks per month. So we are falling short by around 200-250 bucks per month. Also taking in account the fact that we would like to leave some extra cash in our kitty for other activities also, we can very well round off that requirement figure to roughly 500 bucks.”
“That’s the deficit we would like to cover up with the stealing activity?” I asked.
“Sort of.” He said stretching his body as if we were done with the day’s studies.
“But you still haven’t told me how to convert that petrol into smiling Gandhi’s.”
“Arey Babu…It’s absolutely easy-peasy. You have a vehicle to go to the coaching center, right? Your parents give you money to fill gas into it, right? So once you have your own stock of petrol, you put that into your tank and put that money into the wallet. Your cash balance goes up automatically.
“Hmm….that’s a dirty little trick. But I don’t think my vehicle requires that much gas to cover such a big deficit. You know 85 kilometers per litre it gives.” I doubted
“Then you be a dear child to your parents, be gracious enough to help your father out, fill his vehicle’s gas also on his behalf.” He said with a jump of the shoulders.
Anurag’s plan did feel as easy as having peanuts on a sunny afternoon. The stealing-of-petrol part would have given me a few sleepless nights though, had it not been for his skillful and confident approach. For a start we would be on the prowl only at nights after we had completed our quota of studies and look for areas with sparse movement. Fancy bikes with exposed petrol pipes were our prime target. A little jerk would snap the pipe and a minute later the bottle would be filled with the ‘liquid gold’ that we were looking for. Not to mention that the frequent power-cuts in the city made our task even easier.
All I had to do was to keep a watch on any kind of movement during the time when Anurag was embezzling the stuff and just whistle on the presence of any jeopardy. Unfortunately I wasn’t exactly very skilled at the craft of whistling. My father on the other hand was amazed with the promptness that I was willing to show in helping him out with keeping his gas tank full.
“What kind of an eleventh grader does not know how to whistle?” Anurag chuckled slurping his soup from the spoon. Both of us were enjoying a sumptuous meal at the ‘Madhuri Chinese’ after a successful petrol heist.
“Well, looking at the brighter side, I have improved vastly.” I said trying to cover-up the malfunctioning defect.
“Vastly! I must tell you my friend that you still have a long way to go. Your whistle had more air than sound effects. Anyways, it’s fine as long as it does not get us into any kind of a soup.” Anurag gestured at the almost finished Manchow soup suggesting that it was a joke. I smiled ingratiatingly hoping to minimize the leg pulling.
It wasn’t for the first time in my life that I was teased for my inability to pull-off macho acts or display signs of budding manhood. Being at the fag end of the teenage period a few features were expected from a boy-about-to-be-a-man. Absence of body hair was one of the major causes of embarrassment. My school mates would often ask me tips for a close shave and have a hearty laugh. Till today I ignored all the intended puns on me. That is, only till today.
“You know people can get addicted to the smell of this thing?” Anurag continued caressing a pilfered bottle of petrol like a pet cat. “You mean snort? I know that.” I retorted
“You don’t snort gasoline, you sniff it.” Anurag replied condescendingly as if he belonged to the Shakespearian fraternity. “So have you ever experienced it.”? He asked.
“No I haven’t! Jeez Anurag. I have barely come out of my childhood.”
“But these things are meant to be tried during childhood only. Gasoline, nail polish remover even Vicks vapor rub if anything else is not available. Grown-ups do other stuff.” Anurag elaborated.
I knew what other stuff he was taking about. I hadn’t come out of the childhood that late.
“You and your school friends do a lot of stuff together don’t you?” I quizzed
“Yes, that’s what friends are for; play, eat, have fun” replied Anurag without looking into my eyes.
“That is what regular friends do. Do you want me to believe that you just play, eat and have fun with them? You guys are thick as thieves doing all kinds of stuff, aren’t you? That is the reason why you bunk Anita Mam’s class and I believe that this whole petrol pilferage activity with me wasn’t your first time either. You have done this earlier with your crappy friends, haven’t you? The way you executed the steal in a commanding way with me the very first day, I should have known.” I said. It was time to settle some scores for the leg-pulling.
Anurag remained silent for a few moments as if absorbing everything that I just puked and then gave his typical smile that extended to only one side of the cheek. “You are right, you should have known earlier. He said. “And guess what, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. If you want to be a part of it, you are welcome with both arms open.”
“I am not a habitual offender Anurag, whatever I have done which is not much, is only to find means to have a good meal at my favorite eatery.” I said “You are right again Anuj. You didn’t do much in the whole plot. You were just a whistler, still you sucked at it.” Anurag said. I did not reply. The two of us sat silently for some time and a kind of awkwardness began to grip the place.
“Ramesh!Two ‘Madhuri Special’ soup. Quick!” Anurag called out to the owner as if to make amends for his harsh talk and dispel the stiffness.
“Arrrr…..what are you doing? We already had so much today, first the chopsuey then the manchurian then the soup.”
“Why are you bothered? We have so much cash in our kitty from the steal alone that we can feed all the people sitting at this damn ‘Hawkers Street’ right now.” Anurag had his own unique way of flaunting his achievements but while doing that he did not keep into account that my stomach was full with the cornucopia.
“It’s not about the money, I am kinda full. I cannot go home and tell mom that I will skip my meal because I am having roadside Chinese.” I protested.
“If you don’t want to have it, don’t have it but just take a look at the chalice shaped containers that he brings the soup in,absolute classic man. And when you hold it in your hands my oh my, as royal as it can get. You will not believe how a street cart owner can understand the importance of presentation. And don’t even get me started on the soup, smooth as an old wine. Muah! You will feel the specialty of the ‘Madhuri Special’ when it arrives.”
“Yeah sure as hell I will, I can see the specialty on the menu card as well,costs us double the regular old tasty soup.” I said trying to tone down the exaggerated description.
Anurag give me the old don’t-give-me-that-shit look to avoid a dialogue. By that time the soup came and no surprises that it was worth every penny. We both settled down again to enjoy the royalty of the chalice and the smoothness of the soup.
“So Ramesh huh,not Madhuri?” It was the first time I got the name of the owner properly. “Maybe that’s the name of his wife.” I conjectured.
“Or…..maybe that’s the name of his fantasy-wife.” Anurag pointed towards the cut-out of Madhuri Dixit dangling next to the stall and I nodded in agreement.
“I have to ask you something, although I have resisted myself for some time.” I said.
“Go ahead then, empty your chest,unload your gun.” Said Anurag, his head dug deep into the soup bowl.
“You have a decent pocket money of your own, 350 bucks per month as you said. You could have easily supported the weight of your own eating expenses without getting involved in this stealing activity. Then why get involved in such kind of stuff? I queried.
Anurag took two more sips of his soup as I watched, sat-up on his chair and said “You told you were not a habitual offender,right?”
“Yes” I said quizzically.
“But I am” he said. It took me a couple of seconds to comprehend before we both burst into laughter and laughed our guts out for the next fifteen minutes and were back to being Anuj and Anurag again.
“Do you know you can resurrect the dead from your one-liners?” My stomach had started to ache a bit partially with the laughter convulsions and partially because of the overeating I was enforced upon.
“Yeah…Once I cracked a joke in the middle of the biology lab, the class laughed so hard I could see the specimen skeleton shaking a bit as well. That day I knew” he quipped.
“Oh shut up and finish your royal soup before my mom turns me into a human skeleton.” I said as I got up to move.
“Yeah ok but before we wind up, I would like to propose a toast in the august company of my dear friend Anuj and the presence of this fantastic chalice and superb soup.” He signaled me to stand straight.
“Just because you are proposing a toast does not mean you can act drunk.” I commented.
“This is a teetotaler’s party and I am not drunk, now keep mum and raise your hand.” He ordered
“Ok, so here we begin. First of all with all due respect, cheers to Ashutosh for introducing this treasure trove place to all of us guys. God bless him for that. Secondly, Cheers to all those fancy bikes with exposed petrol pipes which yield their fuel so very easily. May they never acquire a gas lock.”
“That’s a good one” I grinned
“And lastly, Cheers to our beloved state administration for showering upon us those blissful dark nights. May they last till the end of times.” He concluded as we clinked our chalices in joy.
After finishing the soup I picked up my bag to retire to our homes whereas Anurag sat down on the chair again pensively.
“You know Anita mam was right. Perseverance really is the key to success.” He professed staring at the ground. Now I was almost sure that he was psychologically drunk. The soup had gotten into his head. Seven days short of the mid-term exams,9:30 in the night, heaps to study and he was appreciating the wisdom of a person whose class he attends once every meteor-fall.
“Yes my dear, perseverance is undoubtedly the key to success but what makes your good heart realize this at this unearthly hour.” I lullabied in a charming tone.
“That is because perseverance can be towards good or bad. See Osama Laden, what he has done and aims to achieve. Don’t you think it is perseverance that led him to build a terror empire? That is what I am trying to say” He blabbered. As he rose from irrelevant talk to absolutely gibberish within a matter of few seconds, I began to panic.
“Anurag, are you okay, will you be able to drive and drop me home or should I take a bus from here?” Curse me or the primitive survival instincts of the Neanderthal, but the first thought that came to my mind was about my own safety.
“Oh no, no. I am absolutely fine and I will drop you to your place. Don’t worry” He said. As sanity incarnated his body again, the panicky avatar inside me took a backseat with immediate effect.
“Then what were you jabbering about perseverance and good and bad and god knows what else, huh, trying to give me some kind of a nerve-attack.” I said angrily.
“Dude, take a chill pill. Don’t get too carried away by such small things.” He said in a mollifying tone. “What I was thinking was that although we were doing an evil thing with that petrol stealing thing, how great it would be if one fine day you read an article in our daily newspaper glorifying our exploits in big block letters.” He said, his eyes were shining like a twinkling star.”
“You mean to say like one of those articles that reports crime within the city.” I could not believe my ears. The guy had doused his hunger with Chinese now he was thirsty for infamy.
“Yeah, sort of” he chukled.
As I was about to open my mouth to try and talk him out of the stupidity that he was thinking of, something ticked at the back of my mind like an alarm: ‘9:45 Anuj. Its 9:45, time to march home. Mum’s waiting.’ The reminder made me change my course of action and I said, “Yeah sure why not. I hope it hits the front page in bold letters. I wish you great many endeavors like that and people know you for your devilry and remember you for years to come.” Hearing that Anurag gave a smug smile and we retired to our homes.
It is an old Hindu belief that once in a day Maa Saraswati resides in a man’s body and blesses him with whatever he speaks. I would have never wanted the goddess to choose those words.
MISS POO POO
They say “Time crawls when you want it to fly and flies when you want it to crawl and when you are having so much fun with a fantastic group of friends what kind of a person would want it to fly away. So it did the exact opposite. In a matter of a few more eye-blinks we had successfully crossed the hurdle called ‘Eleventh Grade’ and the last and the most important lap of the schooling journey began with a pinch of salt; The Twelfth Board. The whole group decided that to pass the competitive exams with flying colors it was necessary to switch to a more career oriented coaching class which was code language for more slogging hours in the coaching center, more tests and fewer hours to spend for extra-curricular activities. It also meant that it was time to say goodbye to Anita aunty’s coaching classes to which the whole group had fondly gotten attached to. Anita mam tried to convince the group to stay citing emotional factors but it was evident that she would suffer more of a financial loss than an emotional one, so I avoided the sentimental farewell meeting at her place. After all she was a distant relative first and Guru later. It would have been too hard to say ‘No’ to her.
Though it was equally hard to switch from a homely personalized study environment to a place where in a crowd of innumerous students one was recognized by the ACC number. Yes, the famous Ketan Agrawal coaching centre was the place that the group had decided to move to where each student was identified by his Agrawal Coaching Centre (ACC) number. Ketan Agrawal was a veteran in the field of teaching and had a proven record of churning out successful students acing various competitive exams. But getting admitted to his institute came with a well-known caveat….. Be disciplined or be shameless. Being an ex-army officer he was famous for 2 things – His great teachings and his great beatings. Despite being the best teacher in town, a lot of students would refrain from joining his institute purely because of the second feature that I just introduced. As a strict disciplinarian he had a zero tolerance policy for crap. Any disregard to his approach was dealt in only one way-Full public physical assault. So much was the intensity that there were some four five pending cases registered by students on his name.
Being reduced to a bunch of six digit numbers we all began our journey which had more promise than faith. Anurag on the other hand couldn’t be happier. He was free to bunk the classes as much as he wanted, now that the personal attention of Anita Mam was no longer a deterrent. He could pick and choose the lectures that he wanted to attend. More bunks from him meant that I had to teach him almost everything in our joint study sessions for which he wasn’t even a single bit extra thankful.
The first class at Agrawal Sir’s class was more of a formal introduction with his years old institution where he flaunted the achievements of the institute by quoting his track record of success in the form of video’s where successful students of the past sung laurels of his teaching methods and his understanding of the subjects; something that was expected to be a part of the day but not expected to be overdone to that extent. Agrawal barely stopped short of twirling his giant moustaches in front of the batch during that session. We could feel the pride dripping off his thick pointed dyed moustache. The show-off then carried on with his army accomplishments during his heydays where he was a feared Major till he resigned to turn towards teaching.
“What kind of a moron leaves the rank of a Major to become a teacher?” Shivu murmured with his head down to avoid sight.
“The same kind of moron who talks in his class while he is talking.” Anurag replied indicating him to shut up.
“Dude he is right, I think he has some serious behavioral issues in his life. Nobody resigns from the army just like that. The aggressive streak that he is known for must be a reason for his ouster from there.” Paro the tattletale contributed.
“I think if you people don’t want serious issues in your life, I suggest you quit speaking right now.” Concerned with the repercussions, I intervened.
“Maybe he had to retire because of some injury. That is why he limps also a bit.” Each one was taking their own wild guess.
“Whatever, I don’t give a damn to his professional achievements, but look at these iron benches yaar. Are we going to sit on them the whole year? Some of them have even rust on the sides. What if I get scratched from it and get tetanus or gangrene?” Ashutosh said as he seemed upset with the endless chest-thumping from Agrawal.
“Are you only concerned with the seating arrangement, I think there are quite a few issues to……”
“All those people talking at the back seat, today is a good day to leave the class because from tomorrow I will not even give a warning before treating you like a drum.” Agrawal thundered from the front and the shiver was felt way down in our spines at the back. After that nobody dared to draw a chatter till the end. Agrawal continued to blow his own trumpet for some more time till the faces of the students begun to look unimpressed and pale. Then at last before concluding his maiden lecture he said: “So students I think it is enough for today. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the session. The funny part is that the enjoyment ends today itself. From tomorrow come prepared to start a war, a war that ends only with your admission to your college of dreams, anything short of which should be taken as a defeat. Before you leave the place do fill up the form which my manager is distributing. The lines written in the form is the motto of this institute. I believe in this motto to the core of my soul. From today I shall expect the same sentiment from you all. Till then have a good day.” Saying that he left the hall leaving behind his assistant who distributed the form which read something like this:
‘MUTUAL CONSENT FORM: I hereby agree that I am now a bonafide student of Agrawal Sir’s Coaching Centre and I avow to abide by the rules and regulations of this great institution which have been explained to me in a crystal clear way. Any disrespectful act to defile the image of the organization is considered sacrilege. Hence I expressly agree that in case of violation of any rule the power to act against me rests in the hands of Agrawal Sir which can be debarment from the institute with full fee refund.’
Mentally suffocated by the extended torturous session, the whole group signed the form hurriedly and dashed outside to catch a breath of fresh air. But before departing to their respective homes everyone decided to have a short get-together outside my home.
As we stood outside my house next to the main road, everyone looked in a mournful mood but no one spoke. Parag was muttering to himself what would have been cusswords for Agrawal but on the outside it appeared like he was chanting some Mantra hoping to burn him down to ashes.
Saurabh was sitting on his scooter restlessly waiting for the meeting to end so that he could prepare well in advance to begin the so-called ‘war’ from the next day. Ashu and Shivam also were also probably analyzing their gloomy future with Agrawal. I looked at Anurag to try and decipher the situation who looked at me at the same time. I contorted my face and gestured towards everyone signaling him to start a conversation and break the ice. He nodded.
“So guys, I hope you all loved the first day at high school.” He said amusedly as if unruffled by the trauma that we all underwent. Breaking wind would have been better than breaking ice like that.
“First day my foot, nobody told me that I would have to share my class with 600 students in one hall.It took me ten minutes to come out of that place. You know people could die there if ever there was a situation of a stampede.” Parag said
“I almost died without a stampede.” Ashutosh added.
“And what about Mr. Snob, his card checker cum manager slash assistant? He was staring at me as if i had come to study for free.” Saurabh almost complained sulkily.
“Yeah maybe he also has a video to flaunt his lifetime achievements as a card checker”.
“No pain no gain my friends”. Anurag said .He sure was enjoying our misery to the fullest.
“I wish I could go back to Anita Mam’s class.” Saurabh said with giant depressed eyes.
“Who is stopping you to do that? Mam is still running her circus at her place.” Anurag said.
“I would, if only somebody could reimburse my fee from that ringmaster. First day first show itself was unbearable for me.”
“Didn’t you read the consent form properly? ‘Any disrespectful act results in debarment with full fee refund’. One tight slap to the Major will get our revenge and your fee back.
“Nah re! If I really had the guts to slap someone, I would start with you for giving me such suggestions.” Saurabh replied angrily.
“O Ha ha ha, good one Saurabh. But I was not trying to misguide you. I am myself keeping the options open on this one.” Anurag said.
“Why Shivam, you are not contributing to the grievance raising session, staring at the road?” Anurag asked.
“Yeah, for the first time I have seen Shivam doesn’t seem to have any complaints. Strange! I will say.”Ashutosh added.
“Guys, I will show you something even stranger in about two minutes.” Shivam said without taking his gaze off the road“You all can see the vehicle that just went past us?” Shivam said.
“The one with the two girls atop?” Parag queried.
“Hmmm….Now if I am not wrong, that vehicle will take a U-turn after about 200 meters and come back.” For a second nobody understood his statement but then when girls are involved who wants to give precedence to logic over fun. As we all waited with bated breath, the vehicle actually took a U-turn.
“It did, it did. How did you know that?” In a split second Parag forgot all his sorrows and jumped as though Scarlett Johansson was coming to kiss him.
“That’s what I have been observing for the last 5 minutes. This is the fourth time that the two of them crossed us but can’t figure out what the hell they are doing.”
“Ssshh….they are coming again, they are coming again!!Now pretend as if we are not aware.” Parag added taking his eyes away from the road.
“Why? Why to pretend like that? If the girl is seeking attention from us moving to and fro around, why not give her what she wants?” Anurag professed .
Anurag was the undeclared leader of the group without a doubt, he would propound theories which were radical in nature and all of us would listen to him and follow him. But sometimes when it came to girls, he was this incredible jackass whose ideas were smellier than a fart,which nobody wanted to hear.Unfortunately leadership is a parasitic habit that spills to undesired areas and the host is invariably unaware of it.So it was our duty to trash such an advice.
“Because girls are like those butterflies who like to roam in a garden but if you try to chase and catch them they will fly away. Understand?” Parag replied grinding his teeth out of irritation.
As the vehicle ridden godsend angels passed us again,Ashtosh who was staring at them sideways said, “I think I saw both of them at the coaching class as well.”
“You mean they are Agrawal’s students and have followed us all the way from there?”
“I guess.”
“Hey hey hey, I think we have a prince charming in our group, who has a trail of admirer following him all the way over here but the million dollar question is, who is he?
“And mind you they don’t look bad at all”. Shivam said pouting his lips like a duck in appreciation.
“Dude it has to be none other our handsome hunk Ashutosh.” Said Parag
“Or it can be even you Parag,you are no less.” Ashutosh reciprocated the praise from him.
“Wait wait! How can you conclude so easily that the girls came here because of that reason only? Could be some other reason.” I questioned.
“Because that is how we would like it to happen! Why would you want to take it away from us Anuj? If they really belong to our batch don’t you want a motivation to attend that demon’s class every day?” Parag fretted.
“I was just trying to do a reality check.” I said sheepishly. To my bad luck the girls did not take another turn and left.
“And Lo! As soon as Mr. Reality Checker opened his stale mouth the one good thing happening in our lives flees away.” Shivam cried.
“Don’t try to dump your frustration on me Shivam. What did I do?” Deflecting Shivam’s grievances was always a wise thing to do.
“No! No! I think it is better if we ask Anurag some more words of wisdom on how to make them stay. Maybe it will work, right?” The muzzle of the gun was turned towards Anurag and it was Parag’s turn to spank a sarcasm. Anurag gave him a stare to suggest that he was in no mood to reply to anyone’s tantrum. Even before anybody else could ignite the inflammable situation with some more words, a voice rang our ears. “Sonu!! Chat time is over. Come inside and have dinner.” That was the usual clarion call from Mom and for the first time I was glad with her timing.
“Guys, no need to point fingers over something that is not established yet. We have got far more things to worry about starting from tomorrow. Its better we get prepared for that rather than anything else. Ashutosh’scrystal clear monologue left no scope for argument so everyone retired to their respective homes. To my surprise Anurag chose to stay after everyone’s departure.
“Anything else you would like to add because Mom’s patience is running short nowadays.” I said looking at my wristwatch.
“Yes. I think it’s you.” Anurag said.
“Me? Can you clarify the context for ‘I think it’s you’?” I asked in wonderment.
“It was you who she was following.” Anurag said with glittering eyes as if he was getting me hooked up with the Queen of England.
“Aah! Bullcrap. Why would anyone do that?”
“Why would anyone do that!! What, you don’t have faith in your looks?” Anurag said a tad disappointed.
“I look just fine but what’s makes you think that?”
“You people mustn’t have noticed but she was staring at you throughout the session like an owl. And I saw that.”
“Really! You must be mistaken”. I said acting shy.Ever wondered how it feels when the wind-bells begin to chime inside the heart and the air caresses you right across the face? Well I was bang on that place.
“If it is really the case why didn’t you tell it to the whole group when everyone was taking wild shots at each other?”
“It was fun to watch them act like wannabe lovers.” Anurag said with a wicked smile.
“But even if I believe you I will say that I may be flattered but I am not too keen to get involved with a girl.”
“And what makes you say so?” Anurag asked.
“You see I have studied my whole life in a boy’s school. I don’t have a real sister at home. I am really uncomfortable confronting girls and on top of that this scenario is so much different. Leave aside flirting or anything it will be difficult for me to generate words, collect them, arrange them and bring them out of my mouth systematically in front of her.” I explained.
“Don’t take it too far baby. Don’t take it too far. First things first. First just wait for a confirmation.I have made a conclusion based on a fact that she was staring at you. The fact is dead sure but the conclusion can still fall flat. We don’t want to rise too high from the ground and then splash like a tomato, don’t we?”
“You know how to take out the gas from a bloating balloon, don’t you?” I said .
“I was just doing a reality check.” He said trying to mimic me.
“Sonu! Should I serve your food outside on the footpath?” Mom screeched. The crankiness was two notches up this time.
“I think it is better that I have my dinner while the food is hot and Mom is cold, don’t want it the other way round.” I waved my palm to hasten his exit.
“Keep your eyes and ears open tomorrow. You may find quite a few new things to learn apart from your subject.” Anurag winked at me and took departure.
Tomorrow was definitely going to be a day of ups and downs. With Agrawal sure to breathe fire down upon our necks from the very first day, the hopeful presence of a love affair was like a breath of fresh air to our group. Each one of us slept tight eagerly waiting for the next day to commence.
******************************************************
The day began and soon it was time for the ‘Devil’s Den’. As we tried to make ourselves comfortable on the discomforting iron benches, his manager entered the hall and began distributing leaflets which seem to have a set of questions written over it.
“Why is he distributing a question paper? Is it a test? He hasn’t even taught us anything.” That was the same query imprinted on each one of the 600 odd students which was about to be answered shortly.
“Good Evening Students! Today we start our journey the end of which is completely dependent on your efforts.” Agrawal roared in his usual style. “But before we start, let’s take a measure as to who all are fit for that journey. I suppose you all have a question paper in front of you which has eleventh grade questions? Now since all of you have passed that class I assume you know the answers to it.You have a half hour in which to do that. The passing mark is 70%. All those who pass the test get to stay and those who don’t, get the exit door and their fee back.You see we don’t need losers in this batch, so good luck to everyone” saying that he left the hall.
No need to mention that all hell broke loose inside the hall. Students haphazardly started recalling physics formulas which they had conveniently put them on the old storage of their memory locations. Their fingers simply denied any kind of movement along with the pen. Fresh from their summer vacations, even before they could grease their jammed minds the allotted time of 30 minutes was up.The manager then collected the answer sheets and Agrawal reappeared facing a lamenting crowd.
“So students, I see your faces suggest you didn’t have a good last half hour, is it?” Agrawal said rubbing his hands excitedly. He sure was enjoying the misery of the batch.
“I see the surprise test didn’t go down well with you people. Well there is another surprise coming up for you all.”
The hall went into pin drop silence as he said, “Relax! I am not marking you for this test. It was a fake test.” An impish smile ran over his face and the class heaved a sigh of relief.
“Before I begin giving you any academic lesson, today was the first lesson which is as important as any you will get. You cannot take things for granted in Agrawal’s Coaching Centre. Your performance at the end of the year reflects my performance as a teacher. And you may or may not love your career but I love my reputation a lot. For years this institution has given toppers to boast of. This year should be no different. I want achievers from this corner, from that corner, from the people sitting over there at the back, from everywhere. I am ready to work like a mule with you people on only one condition. I… WANT… RESULTS…!!” The army man inside Agrawal spoke with vigor and the stumped students heard him talk with their mouths open like a split papaya.
“What a motivational speech yaar! What an impressive personality he has! No wonder he is the best in his business”. Saurabh said after we were done tolerating the first day’s lecture. All of us had taken a halt at the parking space.
“Speech? You call that a speech? He must be using the same words every year with every batch and you call it a motivational speech? Rather than encouraging the students to gain good knowledge about the subjects, he talks about getting results for his own sake and you find it impressive? Lame is what I can term it at best.” Anurag the iconoclast spoke.
Saurabh neither had the oratorical skills nor the brutality of thought that Anurag possessed. So he took a wise decision of not replying back.
“Impressive or not who cares, man. What I care is whether the chick returns today or not.” Parag deftly steered the topic to his area of interest.
“Yeah, about that, I almost forgot. The news is that Ashutosh was right and the girl has been identified as Pooja Gupta. Got her by the name tag she was wearing. She was sitting amongst the group of those convent girls.” Shivam declared.
“I knew she had to be one those girls school product. Only non-co-ed schools’ students are that desperate.” Ashutosh said.
“Hey! I am a boys’ school product. But I am not desperate.” I protested.
“Your case is totally different babu. You haven’t developed biologically. You don’t grow a moustache, your voice hasn’t picked up a tenor. It may be likely your sex hormones haven’t developed either.” Shivam replied to me.
“After all I am one year younger to all of you. I was too bright to attend the nursery class and went straight to K.G.”
“Are you trying to deviate the focus from your weaknesses to your strengths buddy?” Ashutosh asked.
“Are you guys trying to deviate everyone’s focus from where it should be?” Parag added pointing his hand towards one end of the parking lot where ‘she’ was standing.
“Oooo! That looks like the girl from yesterday. What name did you tell?” Shivam inquired.
“Pooja Gupta.” Ashutosh supplied.
Pooja Gupta. Hmm…Pretty regular name, doesn’t give me the vibes.
“Not giving you the vibes? Just give her some time. If she really is what we think she is, I think she has the potential to give you a lot more than just vibes.” Anurag said.
“Is she going to repeat yesterday’s act?”
“We hope she does, quick guys let us disperse and meet at the same place as yesterday. We don’t want to keep the guest waiting. Don’t we?” Ashutosh said.
“At the same place again? Are you sure? I think it will give a much better impression standing outside Parag’s grandiose house with those high walls and all that.” Shivam said.
“Yeah maybe you have a point Shivu but one thing that I have learned from watching cricket day-in and day-out. You never change a winning combination.” Anurag said. As I told, more often than not Anurag’s words were the final ones in any discussion. This wasn’t any different.
“Yeah, let’s not jinx it.” To everyone’s surprise, Saurabh the shy guy spoke his mind and the group felt a boost for the let-the-girl-chase-us campaign. Wasting not even a single second, the group rode on their bikes and raced towards the destination. Anurag was sitting pillion with me on the bike and the rest followed behind.
“I think today everyone will come to know.” Anurag whispered in my ear.
“Know what?” I replied.
“About whom prince charming is.”
“I will just remind you what you yourself said. Don’t take it too far baby. Just wait and watch.” I said. Even as I stopped speaking I could feel somebody overtake us from the wrong side.
“Whoa! Now how is that for a chase!” The two girls from yesterday were following us and I saw Anurag get excited for the first time in my life.
“Speed up! Speed up! Overtake them.” Anurag yelled. He was in no mood to miss the fun. As I overtook and moved forward she sped up again and raced forward. “Who is she? Schumacher’s cousin? Just look at the speed she is driving.” Anurag was right, Bhopal’s streets had just been turned into an F-1 circuit. “I think they are daring us to try and catch up and we will show that we are no less.” Anurag egged me from behind as if I were a horse.
“We are at this vehicle’s top-speed, there is no way we can catch up with her.” I shouted to make myself audible and ended up spitting on his face.
“Fuck you Anuj! Don’t spit on me and do something. Wait, wait. They are slowing down. She wants us to overtake again. Oh man! I am going out of my mind. This girl has taken flirting to an altogether new level.” Anurag was going bonkers and I was….well I was just focusing on the road for the fear of any accident. As we crossed them again Anurag screamed, “Where are the rest of the guys? Are they watching this or not?”
“I think they have lagged far behind but they are surely aware of it.” I replied. I was beginning to feel the ownership of Prince Charming.
The miss and catch game continued for some time when Anurag said “Hey don’t race too fast, let her come forward and let me enjoy the fun.”
“I am not speeding at all, I know where the fun is.” I yelled feeling like a chauffeur on a two-wheeler.
“Is the girl not playing the racing game anymore?” Anurag turned to look back only to find that she was gone.
“Hey! She took a turn somewhere. Never mind, let’s go and join the group.” As we reached my place the whole group had already arrived and waiting for us. Their body language was that of an air hostess welcoming her passengers. Clearly they had seen the drama unfold.
“Dude, whatever the hell was happening over there, whoever was responsible for that, I just want to thank him for bringing this girl into our life.” Parag was almost ready to kiss our palms.
“You still didn’t realize who was responsible for this?” Anurag said pointing his finger towards me. That was the sweetest accusation that I was ever held guilty for.
“Anuj! You beauty, bloody dark horse of the group, did not speak up till now hmm, enjoying the circus from a distance. You must have known beforehand, didn’t you?” Parag said with a warm smile.
“I did not have a clue.” I said with a touch of naivety.
“Ooo, my poor baby doesn’t know anything.”
“But he still isn’t sure.” Anurag spoke on my behalf.
“Not sure? What’s not to be sure about? I think even a Koala bear will read this situation very easily.” Shivam was waiting for his turn to speak and he chose an apt time.
“He says he is not sure whether he wants to get involved or not.” Anurag said.
“Anurag will you stop being his spokesperson for a while and let him speak.” Shivam said and looked straight into my eyes seeking an answer.
“Well. She looks beautiful but I don’t feel attracted to her.” I lied.
“I told you he still hasn’t developed his sex hormones.” Ashutosh literally jumped in the air. Archimedes would have surely been less excited with his Eureka moment than he was.
Has he even started to jerk-off……… Tell me at least that he has night-falls……….. Are you sure he is straight? Now I don’t think it needs a mention that casting doubts on the sexual orientation of a guy who is just finding his feet in the land of hormones does hurt really bad. While everyone started to judge me conveniently about my sexual capabilities, Anurag broke the gossip mongering and spoke again.
“Now I don’t want to be his spokesperson but will you let him be his own spokesperson?” But Shivam wasn’t going to let that happen.
“Ok we will, but before Anuj wants to speak let us be very clear about the situation. This is a clear case of a girl running behind a boy. I hope you get it right?”
“Yes I do”. I nodded docilely like a cow.
“And when was the last time you saw a female chase a male like that?” Having no answer in my armory I preferred to remain silent.
“No? I will tell you. The last time I saw that happen was in Discovery Channel when a female sea-horse was chasing a male sea-horse. You know why? That’s because in sea-horses the male carries the child in his womb and chooses the female. That’s not even the case over here. If you are not going to get pregnant then why worry so much about it? Go out, get loose dude. The world is your oyster, have some fun and let us be a part of it.”
“But I think that it is going to affect my already affected grades.” I objected.
“Ok, if you don’t want to have fun with her, don’t do it, get serious then.” He said
“I am not sure what you are talking about.” I replied
“You know for every 1000 males in India there are only 930 females. That means out of every 100 males, 7 don’t get to partner a female. And with the rate at which your grade has dipped since the last year, there is every chance that you may belong to one of those 7 in the future. So if you are not securing good grades why not secure a good girl and get serious with her. What do you think?”
As the whole group looked at me expectantly hoping for a positive response, I looked at Anurag hoping for some cue from him. But there he stood, poker face, unwilling to even blink his eyes. Probably he wanted me to take a call all by myself.
“I can give it a shot.” I said.
“Yayyy, that’s the way to go. We all knew you had it in you.” The desperation arisen from the anticipation of a denial vanished like a fart on a windy beach and the group went into celebratory mode instantly.
“Nice decision bro. Sorry for raising all kinds of doubts on your masculinity. We were just egging you to fall for it.” Ashutosh winked.
“This calls for a treat from Anuj at the Madhuri Chinese. Don’t you think?” Mr. Chhotu said.
“Spare this treat Saurabh. If everything goes well you have a lot of visual treats coming up from his side.” Anurag joined in the fun and I couldn’t resist but smile at the happy faces of my group. After all they had given me the courage to step into the arena of love-affairs, a place where I wouldn’t have dared to tread into all by myself.
“Obviously you would not like us to refer her as our sis-in-law, not now at least I suppose. So what should we then refer to her as?” Parag raised a very valid wondering.
“Miss Poo Poo.” Pat came the answer from Ashutosh.
“You already had a name in your mind or what?”
“Yes, as soon as I came to know her name, I was thinking of a nickname for her since then.”
“For me Miss P is working fine.” Saurabh answered.
“Ohh Saurabh. I pooh-pooh this suggestion of yours.” Ashutosh guffawed.
“I think P.G would be good.” Parag suggested.
“Yes I vote for P.G. Because when things begin rolling well with her, Anuj can ask her whether she wants an accommodation in his P.G.” Shivam said with a raunchy face.
“Guys, not that I am not flattered with your name calling and lusty remarks but don’t you think it is too soon to start forging relations when it has been like what 48 hours? We all know that I haven’t even talked to her.” I said.
“Yes and that is precisely what we are going to do tomorrow, I mean you are going to do tomorrow.” Shivam stuttered.
But that was not to be. To my disappointment, attached with the group’s disappointment alongside, the newly christened Miss Poo did not attend Agrawal’s class the next day along with her pillion rider friend. So while the whole class was trying to search the value of ‘X’ in various set of equations, I was searching for the X shaped figure in the girls section which was conspicuous by its absence. Rather than focusing on the chapter of Thermodynamics which was being taught, I was busy analyzing the dynamics of a girl-boy relationship. People say that a girl in relationship with a boy at a crucial point of his career is like the proverbial ‘Bull in a China Shop’. The girl being the metaphorical bull and the boy’s career being the China shop. The bull has the power to destroy every tiny piece of China in that shop. Not that I would have liked to be a part of some idiotic idiom but somehow her absence felt like a dampener to the whole scenario and forced me to think of an analogy o